After reading the book Gone Girl, I couldn't exactly pinpoint the reason why I liked the quirky nature of the book so much. The journal entries from Amy’s (main female character) point of view were essentially weird. After reading Mike’s post, the understanding that I had a hard time grasping is now fully in reach. The author did not CENSOR herself at all. Amy’s character is obviously an extension of herself. All the weird things Amy does and the eccentric, garrulous writing of her journal entries are things that the author, Gillian Flynn, probably does or has thought about in her real life. Some people probably didn’t like it, but the book was a hit, most people did, and I think the reason why is, that people like the real you better than a character you try and become.
Today I was writing a story for my creative writing class and it was going well until I took a break. I was flowing through the lines, not caring whether or not I used the right word or sentence structure. I could always go back and fix it later. After lunch I sat down to work on it again and I just didn’t have it. I was stopping and thinking after every sentence. Nothing was flowing, I was censoring myself. I knew I was doing it and couldn’t prevent myself from doing so. Like what. The. Fuck.
See, I have almost the exact opposite problem as Mike. Instead of wanting to be superior and striving to be that ‘A+, 5 class, badass motherfucker’, that I do see in some people, I have trouble applying myself to anything at all. This is especially harmful when it comes to writing as I know I could make my stories and writing better, but I just don’t. I have had this problem all my life. I’ve gotten better than average grades my whole life without ever really applying myself. I write stories that are better than most peoples in my class, yet I am not totally applying myself. I can’t do a homework assignment unless it is the night before. I strive for nothing; I seem to be content with average.
I want to write a book. I don’t think I could write multiple novels, but I want to write this one I have in mind. If I don’t, my life will never be complete. It would always haunt me. Because what I want to write about, are the things that haunt me now. I need to get them out and I have an idea how. To me, it is the best idea, I love it. The problem is that I would have to apply myself 100% no if, ands or buts and I am scared to do that. I am scared to put my all into something. I want it to be the best, I need it to be. They say write what you know, but all I really know about are my experiences. The experience I want to share is also the one I don’t want to. I don’t even like telling people I am a writing arts major because then they will ask if I want to write a book and what it will be about. I don’t want people’s sympathy; I don’t want them to know. But as I have learned from mostly every novel that I have ever read and Mike’s post, you can’t write it for anybody but yourself. I thought I had to write a novel for my deceased father or my struggling, now single-mom, but I have to do it for myself.
The book I am reading now is about a novella based out of the world a trilogy (Kingkiller Chronicles) takes place in. It is about a girl who lives in the tunnels underneath a university. She survives on meager amounts of food and is afraid to leave. I guess she reminds me of myself in a way. She is afraid of what people will think when you put yourself out there. The author, Patrick Rothfuss, says she is based off a man named Tunnel Bob, who his father used to tell stories about. Rothfuss really took it to the next level with this character though, she is as weird as it gets. He didn’t censor himself at all and I’m sure he stepped beyond the boundaries of normal characterization. I will talk more about this book in my next post but this is my post-Mike blog where I really wanted to just not censor myself. Shit, now that I think about it, even this is censored. I'm not telling you about my golden ball. Gfy.